


to my ex lover: i still love you

by choi_kimmy



Series: in any version of reality, i'll still choose you [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Light-Hearted, Might just combust, My fingers slipped across the keyboard, New Year's Kiss, Some Humor, christmas 2019, ex-lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-18 02:16:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21920194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choi_kimmy/pseuds/choi_kimmy
Summary: “You want me towhat?”“Pretend that you’re still my girlfriend and attend my mom’s Christmas dinner together with me, please?”In other words: When Natasha Romanoff received a call from her ex boyfriend asking for a favor from her, she thought to herself - what was theworstthat could happen, right? Feelings.Feelingshappen.
Relationships: Steve Rogers & Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov
Series: in any version of reality, i'll still choose you [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1540324
Comments: 17
Kudos: 181





	to my ex lover: i still love you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stevexnatasha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stevexnatasha/gifts), [xo_stardust720](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_stardust720/gifts).



> You see, I was supposed to be typing Chapter 6 of Miracles in December, and then Crys sent me [THIS](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EMcI6kiU8AAOucR?format=jpg&name=small) prompt and suddenly my fingers slipped across the keyboard and a 8k fic with eventual smut is born. Yes. You heard that right. Smut. (Flails!!!) I mean if you've followed me long enough you would know that this is a rare occurence, some might even say this is a Christmas miracle ;A; But, I digress. I hope you have fun reading this because it was pretty fun writing this. 
> 
> As usual, you know the drill - comments are appreciated and thank you for reading! :)

Years of being a lawyer had taught Natasha Romanoff many things, one of them being never to be taken aback by surprises - they tend to happen a lot in court, or with arrogant clients who thought their opinions were far better than someone who’d gone through years of law school. The point was, Natasha was not one to be easily surprised, because surprises were quite literally part and parcel of her life as a litigator. She’d learned how to deal with them with a mere poker face, her mind working in a speed of lightning for a proper comeback that wouldn’t cost her her client’s case. 

Yet ironically, as she exited the courtroom today and felt the buzz of her phone in her blazer pocket, Natasha was _still_ caught by surprise. Not because it was anything work related, but because the name displayed on her screen was one she had not seen in _ages_ . She frowned, a logical reflex to seeing _Steve Rogers_ on her screen, a name she had not spoken of in a year and quite frankly a name that could easily still send her heart racing if she wasn’t careful about it.

She stood by the corner and although her mind was telling her not to pick up, her heart had an entirely different plan for her. This time, Natasha chose to follow her heart. 

What she didn’t expect was to hear the next string of sentences from her _ex-boyfriend,_ the clumsy apology of hearing from him after all the time that had passed between them - that was the second surprise of the afternoon. Steve was stammering trying to get the words out, and Natasha felt a little - just a little - sorry that he was this nervous, when all he wanted from her was a simple favor in lieu of the festive season. 

“You want me to _what_?” Still, she asked, just for the fun of hearing him repeat those words he’d struggled to say in the first place. Natasha fought the urge to smile, her thoughts wandering to how he was probably fidgeting in nervousness, waiting for her answer.

She heard Steve inhaled, then exhaled. “Pretend that you’re still my girlfriend and attend my mom’s Christmas dinner together with me, please?”

He’d added the please this time, and Natasha felt a sort of warmth unfurling within her stomach. “Let me get this straight,” She cleared her throat. “You haven’t told your mom that we’ve broken up since a year ago.”

She imagined he was shifting in his feet uncomfortably when Steve answered softly, “Yes.”

“And because it’s the holiday season, your mom expects you to be home and of course that would mean bringing your last known girlfriend for Christmas dinner…a.k.a me.” In all honesty, Natasha wasn’t at all upset to hear any of this. If any, she was rather amused - how was it that Steve still hadn’t told his mother that they were no longer together?

“Yes.” Steve said meekly. “Natasha, I’m truly sorry about this. It’s just that, my mom adores you and it would break her if I told her the truth and...I can’t do it. I can’t break her heart.”

Natasha understood his intention, really - Sarah Rogers was a gem of a person, and she knew that her health wasn’t in the best condition in the past two years. Natasha also knew that Sarah had been wanting Steve to settle down for the longest of time, so if she found out that Steve was no longer in a stable relationship (they _did_ spend 3 years together), it wouldn’t just break her heart, it might just _kill_ her. 

She shuddered at that thought, shaking herself out of her reverie. “Steve, I...I don’t know if this will be a good idea.”

Natasha could almost see the slump of disappointment in his shoulders when she said that, and somehow, that didn’t quite sit right with her. So the third surprise of that afternoon had been this; Natasha blurted out without thinking, “But well, why not? What is helping a friend in need, right?”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief over the phone, and Natasha winced automatically. “Thank you, Nat. Really. Thank you, I owe you meals for doing this. This means a lot to me.”

“Just send me the details, Steve.” She replied weakly, leaning against the pillar to support herself. “And you’re...welcome, I guess.”

“Uh, another thing.” Steve hesitated when he started again, and Natasha began to frown. “My mom invited Bucky’s mother and sister over too. Which means -”

She mentally heaved a sigh. “They don’t know either?”

“Winnifred doesn’t, but Rebecca...I think she does. Bucky may have told her. So it’s really just the two mothers we need to put up a show for.”

“Okay.” Natasha relented - it shouldn’t be _that_ difficult. “It should be fine, Steve.” She said, and Natasha has no idea if that assurance was for him or for herself.

“I’ll see you soon, then? Thank you, Nat. Again.”

“Oh god, if you thank me one more time, I swear I’ll change my mind.” She joked, and earned a laugh from Steve. It was nice to know that some things hasn’t changed with Steve - he was still ever so polite and careful with his words. “Sorry, sorry. I...okay, I gotta go. Goodbye, Natasha.”

When Natasha ended the call, she’d stared into space for a good 5 minutes, contemplating about the decision she’d just made. It wouldn’t be all that bad, she figured, they had ended things on a mutual, respectful manner, and Natasha would like to think that they were still friends. It wasn’t like they were going to get back together or something over just one dinner - though to be honest, it wasn’t like Natasha was entirely _against_ that idea, anyway. She dared say that Steve was the best boyfriend she could have asked for, he was someone she had _loved,_ and the only reason why they broke up was because of timing and their careers, not anything else. 

She slapped herself once, an attempt to break herself from her own thoughts. _Fuck,_ Natasha groaned, _what would Clint and Maria say about this if they found out_?

Apparently - _a lot_. 

Two days after, when Clint invited Natasha and Maria over for Christmas dinner, she was left with no choice but to tell him that she had another dinner to attend. Aghast and somewhat suspicious, Clint had prodded her until she spilled the beans, and Maria had let out the loudest gasp when she heard that Natasha was going over to Steve’s mother’s place.

Both her best friends had vastly differing opinions - Clint had instantly been worried that seeing Steve might reopen some wounds Natasha had fought hard to mend post their breakup, while Maria had been way too excited over the prospect of them meeting and possibly reconciling and falling in love again. Clint had mumbled for Maria not to hope too much, while Maria had retorted that anything was possible during advent, a season that was meant to represent _love_.

“Besides, it’s been a year. Things are different now.” Maria elaborated firmly.

“I just don’t want Tasha to get hurt again.” Clint argued.

“Steve had been hurt too, don’t forget that!” Maria countered.

“Are you on her side or his side?” Clint rolled his eyes.

“I’m just saying that their break up was nobody’s fault. It was because of circumstances and those circumstances are different _now_.” 

“I don’t know, Maria. Are you sure this isn’t an invitation for trouble?”

Natasha had taken in the entire exchange with a calm heart, not saying anything until Maria said this one sentence that struck a chord within her; “Steve made her the happiest, so is it wrong that I want that for Nat once again? He’s the best guy she has ever dated and you know it.”

“Uh, you do know I’m right _here_ , right?” Natasha asked, a tinge of red on her cheeks as Maria threw her a small smile. “I’m speaking the truth, and nothing but the truth.”

And Natasha appreciated it, of course, knowing her words to indeed be the truth. It was just that everything was happening so suddenly that she still has no idea how to properly react to the idea of meeting Steve again after a solid year. She wondered if he’d changed, or if he still looked the same. She wondered if he was still capable of setting off that feeling within her heart, reigniting the fire that had faded away.

Natasha figured that she shouldn’t dwell too much at those thoughts, not since she was going to see him in a few more days - she would easily know the answers to her questions, then.

* * *

Seeing Steve again was some sort of an epiphany Natasha didn’t expect to be hit with. 

When he opened the door and realised it was her, Steve had given her that lopsided grin she had once upon a time fallen in love with, and suddenly, all rational thoughts went down the drain in a blink of an eye. He looked the same as how Natasha last saw him, and if it was possible, Steve looked even _more_ handsome than she remembered him to be. 

_Dear lord_ , she wanted to _kiss_ him. Was that even an appropriate thought to think about on Christmas? She has no idea. Natasha ended up with an awkward “Hey,” and Steve returned with an equally awkward; “Hello, Natasha.”

Similar to Natasha, when Steve had opened the door and found her standing on the other side, all the words he’d gathered in his mind disappeared into thin air the moment his eyes landed on her. Natasha’s hair was longer now, soft wavy curls hanging just past her shoulder, but it was still the same shade of red Steve remembered from his memory - he didn’t think he was ever going to forget that, to be honest. She was still breathtakingly beautiful, enough to sort of punch all the air in his stomach, and Steve had to blink so that he wasn’t staring and being a creep for too long.

And then silence stretched between them, until Bucky popped out of nowhere beside Steve, and let out the loudest _Oh my god!!! Look who’s here!!!_ before proceeding to lift Natasha off the ground and twirl her around once. She’d laughed naturally, obviously familiar with Bucky’s antics. When he dropped her back onto the ground, Bucky had whispered quickly into her ear, “I’ve missed you, Nat.” and she could almost feel her heart bloom with warmth.

Before she could even think of saying anything else to Steve, who’d fallen into silence, Sarah Rogers had came into view to quickly envelop Natasha into the tightest bear hug. “Natasha dear, it’s been so long since I last saw you!” She greeted her warmly before turning to her son to chide him. “I’ve always asked Steve to bring you to see me but he never does!”

Natasha laughed, going along with the flow. “I’ll have to apologise for that, I am always so busy with work. But I’ve definitely missed you, Sarah!” She exclaimed, and then thought about how many meals Steve owed her _now_. Natasha darted a quick look at the said man behind her, and she caught the look of gratitude in his eyes. 

They were standing under an archway when that look of gratitude disappeared the second Winnifred came in and let out this weird noise that had all of them looking at her. Winnifred pulled Sarah away, and then gestured to the ceiling above Steve and Natasha.

Almost at once, they knew what was above their heads even before they saw it - _ha, of course, of fucking course, a mistletoe._

Steve froze just as Natasha sucked in a deep breath nervously. Well, she was about to get her wish now, wouldn’t she? Natasha had no idea if she was grateful or utterly afraid to kiss Steve, because she was 200 percent sure that she was going to go home thinking about how his lips felt against hers and that thought was going to last for a seriously _long_ time. _Jesus Christ -_ even God can't help her now.

Winnifred and Sarah were obviously looking at them with anticipation, while Bucky was trying his best to stifle the laugh that had almost escaped his throat. Rebecca, his sister, had sauntered in a few seconds after, and realising where Steve and Natasha were standing, she too, had decided to stick around to witness the kiss.

“Honey, what are you doing? Just kiss her already!” Sarah gave a little encouragement, and Steve has no choice but to face Natasha. She was calm, as she always would be, her expression betraying none of her thoughts - but before Steve could do anything, Natasha had gone on her toes to peck his lips lightly. 

Except, Winnifred was having none of that modesty. She groaned loudly. “Come _on!_ You can’t say that’s a kiss! Kiss each other like you mean it!”

“Mom-” Bucky began, but Rebecca slapped his arm to silence him - _god, even his 26 year old sister was in cahoots with his mother._

Natasha glanced at Steve the same time he did to her. She shrugged just a little, as if to tell him that it was _okay_ . “Well, what are you waiting for?” She asked, giving him a smirk - and that was all the cue Steve needed before he snaked his arm around her lower back to pull her closer into him. He pressed their lips together after that, trying to drown out the voices in his head telling him what a _mistake_ this was going to be.

 _Holy shit -_ Steve could almost feel something implode within him when Natasha parted her lips and responded to his kiss, her lips as soft as how he remembered them to be - _fuck, fuck, fuck this was not supposed to happen._ Yet it _did_ happen, and everything around them fell into background noises.

When they finally broke apart, almost breathless with shy contentment, it was because Bucky had wolf-whistled. Winnifred was awfully pleased, finally turning around to retreat back into the kitchen just as Natasha turned a beetroot red, unable to meet his eyes.

Bucky clamped his hand on Steve’s shoulder as Rebecca whisked Natasha away into the living room. Steve half glared at his best friend. “Don’t you dare -”

“I’m not going to say anything.” Bucky grinned. “I don’t have to, because you’re already hearing them in your head.”

 _Damn it,_ Steve groaned. He hated when his best friend was right. 

“Buckle up, Stevie. This is going to be a long night.” Bucky cackled and sauntered away before Steve could even attempt to hit him. 

It turned out that Bucky was right - it really was going to be a long night, because after dinner has ended and Natasha had announced that she was leaving, Sarah had let out a dramatic, exaggerated gasp before launching into a lecture about how it was _too late, too dark,_ for a young woman to be out and about; since it was snowing, not many people were driving on the road, which meant that the only option left was for her to walk home - and that idea itself was, in Sarah’s own words, _absolutely horrifying in this weather and time._ “Maybe stay over for the night.” Sarah offered easily - it was more of a statement than a question, honestly.

Natasha was rendered speechless, but how could she argue with Sarah? She was a _useless_ lawyer against the older woman, something she’d learned over the years of knowing her. But she frowned, realising that the guest bedroom was probably going to be occupied by Bucky, so where was she going to sleep?

“Sarah, I wouldn’t want to impose, honestly.” Natasha said slowly. “Plus, there’s probably not enough space for me to -”

“Natasha dear, you could just share a bed with Steve in his old room.” Sarah announced without hesitation, just as Steve nearly choke from his glass of water. Bucky chortled from his seat, clamping his mouth shut in a frail attempt not to make too much sound - Natasha narrowed her eyes at him sharply before reaching out to pat Steve’s back. “Sarah, I don’t know. Would that be appropriate? I mean…”

“Oh _honey_ , I’m not that traditional, you know.” Sarah announced with a laugh, dismissing Natasha’s worry with a flick of her wrist. She then turned around so that her back was against them. “Aren’t you two staying together in an apartment, anyway?”

 _That was years ago, ma,_ Steve wanted to say, but bit back his tongue when he felt Natasha’s hand on his arm. He looked at her, slightly wide-eyed, a complete contrast to her calm demeanour. 

“Stop fidgeting,” Natasha mumbled just loud enough for him to hear, pretending to dust something off from Steve’s shoulder. “It’s just sharing one bed. We’ve done _more_ than that before.”

She saw the hint of red streaking across his face, and Natasha was mildly amused at his reaction. Still, she was reminded of how endearing Steve could be, his virtues and beliefs transcended even their years of history together. She patted his arm gently. “Steve, _relax_.” Natasha murmured. “I really don’t mind. It makes sense, if you want your mom to think we’re still together.”

Steve nodded eventually, swallowing the lump in his throat as a small smile made its way to his lips. “Thank you. I-”

But Natasha silenced him with a shake of her head, returning his smile with one of her own. “I agreed to this, didn’t I? There’s no need to thank me.”

He felt it just then, that warm flutter in his heart as he watched Natasha turned back to his mother - once, it had been a feeling that was constantly within him every time Natasha was around, one he would describe as one of the wonders of being head over heels in love with the redhead; now, it was a foreign feeling, yet comfortable in that it reminded him of what he once had, which was happiness and gratitude beyond belief. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time, ever since they broke up and left him reeling in hurt and a permanent heartbreak.

Steve met with Bucky’s gaze just then, and it was enough to tell him that at this point, there really was not a flicker of a chance to go back to the time before Natasha reappeared in his life. The sign of his heart thumping beneath his skin was enough evidence to tell him that Steve was absolutely _fucked._

* * *

  
  


That evening, once they had retreated into Steve’s bedroom, Natasha had dug through his drawers to look for something to wear to sleep. She ended up slipping into one of Steve’s old Harvard t-shirts, which she deemed was of an appropriate length long enough to cover what was necessary. She slipped under his blanket, leaning against the headboard as she started checking her work email through her phone. When Steve stepped out of the bathroom minutes after, Natasha made the mistake of glancing into his direction, because then, their eyes met and she swore she saw Steve’s breath hitching at the sight of her in one of his old shirts. Secretly, it made her want to smirk, satisfied that she still had that effect on him. Not that the feeling wasn’t mutual, because Natasha could feel her cheeks heating up just a little at the sight of Steve in a grey t-shirt that was typically one size smaller than it should be, ceremoniously hugging those muscles and abs which she longed to run her hands across and...well.. _.everywhere_.

Natasha quickly looked away, mentally pushing the thought out of her mind as she refocused on replying emails on her phone. Steve didn’t say anything, he made his way across his room and sat on the other side of his bed - the mattress dipped to his side at that additional weight, and Natasha pretended her heart wasn’t about to fly out of her chest with how fast it was racing beneath her. 

“Uh, there’s extra toothbrush in the bathroom.” He told her, and Natasha nodded. “Thanks, I’ll get on to that after I reply this email.”

“Still so busy, huh?” Steve couldn’t help but ask, a smile gracing his face as he turned to meet her eyes. She returned his smile easily. “Well, you know how clients can get with all of their demands.”

He nodded - Natasha’s work ethic was impeccable, one of her qualities that he deeply admired and loved her for. He watched the way her thumbs scurried across the keyboard on her phone, the way she would mumble to herself as she read out the words she was typing. Slowly, he could feel the lump returning onto his throat; Steve missed this. He missed seeing how absorbed Natasha was while doing her work, that little crease on her forehead, the frown on her face - he used to kiss them all away, hold her close to him until she put her phone away to gratefully return his gestures. Natasha used to tell him how much he’d balanced her perfectly, reminded her that there was more to life than just work. He secretly wondered how she was coping now that he was no longer around to do that for her.

Natasha caught him staring at her, of course. She looked up, raising a mildly amused eyebrow. “What?” 

Steve shook his head quickly. “Nothing.”

“I’m quite sure there’s _something._ ” She insisted, putting her phone away and then folding her hands on the blanket. “You’re giving me that look.”

He rubbed the side of his neck sheepishly. “Seeing you reply emails sent me back down memory lane.”

Natasha understood him immediately, and for a moment she didn’t quite know how to respond to that. There was no denying that Steve had grounded her to reality, keeping her in a state of check and balance that when they broke up, Natasha had spent an unhealthy amount of time working in her office, afraid to return home to a reminder of what she’d lost. It took some time for her to get used to being alone again, and even when she finally did draw a line between work and having an actual life outside her firm, Natasha had always known that there was still a part of her that was missing. She doubted that she’d gotten that part back, even until today.

“Good ones, I hope.” Natasha replied in the end, swinging her legs down so she could go to the bathroom to wash up a little. 

“They always are.” Steve smiled, watching as she cast another amused glance over her shoulder before making her way into his bathroom. Seeing her in his t-shirt that was barely covering her back had Steve blushing a little, all rational thoughts disappearing as he transfixed his eyes on her legs. 

Natasha didn’t even turn around when she said loudly, “I know you’re staring.”

And Steve immediately cleared his throat and forced himself to look away. He heard Natasha chuckling, and then the click of the door behind her as she disappeared into the bathroom. 

Later, they wound up lying on each side of Steve’s bed, a respectable distance between them with their backs against each other. Silence lingered in the air, with a stream of moonlight coming from the window as Steve shifted slowly in his position - Natasha couldn’t help but smile against the pillow, knowing that his action was small because he was trying not to wake her up. She shifted as well, as a sign to tell him that she wasn’t asleep yet, an invitation for him to initiate a conversation with her because it didn’t seem like she was going to sleep anytime soon. 

Steve caught on to her intention easily. “Can’t sleep?” He asked, eyes trained on the ceiling above him. 

“Yeah,” Natasha replied. “You too?”

He shook his head, and they fell into another comfortable silence. That was the thing between them, she would like to think - it has been a year since they last met, but things were pretty much still bearable between them. It wasn’t as awkward as she thought it would be meeting Steve again, but rather, it felt like seeing an old friend again - well, an old friend she used to sleep with, that is. She flushed at that thought, immediately chiding herself for even _thinking_ about that.

Natasha spoke again a few quiet minutes later, an attempt to distract herself from her own thoughts which were poking into dangerous territory. “So are you back from Paris for good?”

“I am.” Steve continued after a pause. “I’ve found a job as an illustrator here. It pays pretty well, and I get to do what I love so all’s good.”

“I’m really glad to hear that.” Natasha said, her tone genuine - Steve had a natural penchant for arts and she had always encouraged him to pursue doing things he loved for a living. She was glad he was doing that right now.

Natasha stopped at that, unsure of what else to say. This time, Steve braved himself to ask the question that had been pondering in his mind for some time, ever since she’d agreed to his favor to attend his family’s Christmas dinner. “Remind me why did we break up again?”

There was a long pause as Steve heard Natasha heaving a soft sigh. “It simply wasn’t the right timing, I guess.”

“Right.” Steve agreed softly - Natasha was right, after all. Things were different a year ago, with him working as a personal assistant to one of Paris’ most renowned curators, to Natasha working tirelessly and incessantly in one of New York’s best law firms. Long distance relationship was one thing, but the time to catch up with each other was another thing - it was only normal that their relationship inevitably and quietly fell apart after some time away from each other, after Steve stopped trying, and Natasha stopped responding.

“Did you achieve it?” He continued, turning to his side so he could look at her. “Your goal of being a Junior Partner, I mean.”

Honestly, Natasha felt a little touched that he remembered. She mimicked his action so that they were now facing each other, lying like two parallel lines. “I did. But I realised something, you know.” She replied, then added after a short hesitation. “It wasn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, especially since I had no one to share this milestone with.”

That small confession stung - Steve could feel the ache gnawing on his heart. There were so many things in his mind that he wanted to say to her, but in the end, he settled for one that was most conventional and safe, “Congratulations. I never doubted you would achieve that. Senior Partner, next?”

She chuckled. “That would be the right next step, yes. But for now, I’d rather take things slow.”

He nodded. “Thank you again,” Steve whispered, eyes gazing into hers. It used to be one of his favourite things to do, just staring into her green irises, a forest of wonder and everything he thought to be beautiful. He used to fall a little bit more in love with her just doing that. “for coming tonight and sparing me the embarrassment of having to deal with my mom and Winnifred if they found out we broke up.”

“It’s no problem at all, Steve.” Natasha sighed again, then gave him a smile. “It was nice catching up with them and Rebecca.”

“I...I promise I’ll clear things up with them soon. After New Year’s.” Steve forced the words out, even though deep down there was a part of him that really didn’t want to do that - it was as though not telling his family about their situation would accord them with another chance of happiness, of _trying_ again. He thought he saw Natasha’s eyes faltering just a little when he said that, but eventually, she nodded.

That didn’t stop Natasha from leaning closer into the side of his bed, winding an arm around his waist. _To hell with boundaries_ , she thought to herself, if tonight was going to be the last night she was ever going to be able to sleep beside him, then Natasha decided she was going to make the most out of it. It was cold and he was like a furnace, body heat radiating in the most comfortable way possible. She snuggled in until her forehead almost touched his chest, inhaling all of his scent - _god, she missed him so much._

Natasha bit her lower lip, suppressing the words from leaving her mouth. Eventually, she whispered; “Goodnight, Steve.”

Steve settled his hand around her as well, pulling her closer into his embrace. So close that she could most probably, definitely, hear the way his heart was beating loudly against his chest. Then, on pure instinct, Steve kissed the crown of her head gently, almost affectionately. “Goodnight, Natasha.”

They fell into slumber shortly after.

* * *

After Natasha left in the morning, Steve almost couldn’t function properly the entire day without thinking of how much his heart had raced since he saw her again yesterday. The realisation was slowly, but surely, settling into him - it was as clear as the day that Steve was still very much in love with her, that he hadn’t truly moved on since the day they’d broken up. It was hard to imagine life with anyone else but the redhead, not when she made him significantly happier and better as an individual. Not when she was practically perfect in every way (yes, he used a Mary Poppins reference, so sue him); smart, witty, intelligent, beautiful, genuine and kind.

Still, knowing that fact wasn’t enough for Steve to rush to Natasha and proclaim his undying love for her. He had no idea if she still harboured any feelings for him, anyway, and Steve didn’t want to ruin what was essentially left of their friendship with each other. So he held back. Even though it was driving him almost crazy, how much he longed to see her again, to hold her, to kiss her - Steve couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss they’d shared under the mistletoe. It was ridiculous, Steve thought to himself, ridiculous that he wasn’t able to control how he felt for his ex-girlfriend. 

“Dude,” Bucky was the first to knock some sense into him a few days after seeing Steve mope around their shared apartment. “Can you just call her already?”

Steve looked positively horrified at that suggestion, his jaw hung open in an instant. “ _What_?”

“ _Natasha_.” Bucky rolled his eyes from the couch. “Even the blind could see how much you still love her.”

“Ha.ha.ha.” Steve stated in monotone, his face straight. “Hilarious.”

But Bucky wasn’t going to give in so easily. “I don’t know why you’re sabotaging your own happiness.”

“Maybe,” Steve sputtered with a wave of his hands in the air. “I don’t want to ruin the last strand of friendship between us?”

“You’re an idiot if you think what you two have is only _friendship_.” Bucky retorted, pointing his spoon towards Steve. “Bro, did you even see the way Natasha was looking at you throughout that Christmas dinner?”

“W-what?”

“Oh dear god, how can someone be this blind is beyond me.” Bucky groaned, putting his bowl of cereal away. He clasped his hands together in an almost dramatic, comical manner as Bucky leaned forward in his seat. “I didn’t want to say anything, Steve, but I was observing that night and well, let’s just say I realised a few interesting things.”

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “Such as?”

Bucky smirked. “Such as how Natasha is totally, absolutely - just trust me when I say this - _not_ over you yet.”

Steve’s heart started pounding the second he heard those words from his best friend. “H-how sure are you-”

“Haven’t you been listening to a single word I’ve been telling you?” Bucky said exasperatedly. “Anyone with _eyes_ could tell - and that’s _everyone_. Dude, if she’d truly gotten over you, she wouldn’t even have agreed to help you that evening.”

“She might just be nice for all you know.” Steve grumbled, even though he could sense slight hope building within him - that not all was lost, that perhaps, just perhaps, if he played his cards right, there was still a possibility that -

“Yeah, someone nice wouldn’t have kissed you like _that_.” Bucky coughed, and Steve could feel the tips of his ears turning pink - it was true, Natasha really didn’t have to return his kiss with that much intensity, but she did...and now Steve has no idea what to make of that entire situation with the mistletoe.

“New Year’s in two days.” Bucky announced all of a sudden. “I suggest buying her some flowers and paying her a much due visit.” 

“Hmm.” He thought about it for a few seconds, still a little doubtful if it was the right thing to do. But Steve recalled how she’d nestled herself into his embrace that evening, and even when they’d woken up in the morning in tangled limbs and dishevelled hair, Natasha had laughed at how _familiar_ the sight had been. In that moment, she’d even leaned forward to give him a peck on his cheek before going into the bathroom to wash up.

“Also, you really need to get laid.”

“ _Bucky_.”

* * *

On 31st December, 11.55 P.M, Steve knocked on Natasha’s condominium, holding his breath with a bouquet of roses in his hands. He prayed silently that she was alone, that she wasn’t out celebrating the New Year’s or off to some bar counting down, that he wasn’t about to regret making this decision.

The second Natasha opened the door and saw Steve, he knew that he wasn’t going to _ever_ regret coming to her place that night. He saw the way her jaw dropped, eyes widening as she tried to register that he was really _there_ at her doorstep. 

“Hi.” He greeted her nervously, then thrusted the bouquet of roses into her hands. “Um, for you.”

“Steve?” She accepted the bouquet with a raised eyebrow. “What are you doing here?”

He took a deep breath, then scratched his chin. “Can I come in?”

Natasha opened the door wider and stepped to the side. “Of course, sorry, I was...yeah, I’m just surprised to see you.” She left the bouquet of flowers on the nearest table she could find before returning to where he now stood, hands in his pocket - _god, who gave him the right to look this good in casual winter clothing?_

She closed the door and bolted the locks in place subconsciously, before turning around to look at Steve again. He looked like he was about to die from agitation or something, and Natasha had to stifle a laughter coming from her throat - _oh Steve, poor Steve._

“Look, I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just going to say it.” Steve admitted, keeping his eyes on hers. He barely gave her any warning before he blurted out; “Natasha, I’m still in love with you.”

That confession nearly knocked all the air within her. Her heart began to thunder beneath her as Natasha tried to find the right words to say - _goodness gracious,_ she’d been a three times Moot Competition champion in law school, twice awarded the Best Oralist, an experienced litigator in her practice area who’d gone up against many other formidable senior counsels, yet here she was, standing in front of a past lover (who she clearly and undeniably still loved), at a complete loss for words. 

“The reason why I came here at this time was because,” Steve glanced at his wrist watch. “It’s one minute to midnight and I really want to do this.”

Natasha swore she wasn’t thinking straight when she whispered, “do what?” because honestly, the implication could not have been clearer. Still, she wanted to hear him say those words out loud because god forbid she has had every intention to do the same ever since he reminded her of what it felt like underneath that mistletoe the other day. 

Perfect. It felt perfect. 

Steve didn’t answer her, not until he started hearing the countdown from the television playing in the background somewhere behind him in the living room.

_“10…9...8”_

“Natasha,” Steve took two steps forward, and Natasha took a step back, hitting the wall behind her gently. “you have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do this ever since you came over the other day.”

_“7...6…”_

She barely heard him over the sound of her own heart drumming in her ears. 

_“5...”_

Steve placed both his hands on her sides, effectively trapping her against the wall. His eyes locked into hers, and he noticed the blush on her cheeks.

_“4…”_

“Steve, I…” She licked her lips without realising, eyes boring into his - it was probably the way he was looking at her so intensely, but Natasha could already feel the tingle dancing across her arms - _and Jesus, he wasn’t even touching her yet._

_“3…”_

The words finally stumble out from her lips. “ _Kiss me_.”

_“2…”_

Steve grinned, at the same time Natasha smiled, bringing her hands up to cup his face, drawing him closer to her.

_“1-”_

“ _Happy New Year_ , Nat.” He announced, and almost at once, crashed his lips against hers. It was almost desperate, with fiery intensity and pent up desire uncoiling within them. Steve pulled her closer into him, before hooking both his arms underneath her legs to hoist her up so that they were on the same level. Natasha wrapped her legs around his waist, running one hand through his hair and the other pressed firmly on his chest. They were breathless when they parted, and Steve gave her exactly 3 seconds to catch her breath before he dived right into pressing open mouth kisses on her jaw, down the expense of her throat until he reached the curve of her neck. Steve remembered it to be one of her sensitive spots, and he leaned closer to pay extra attention on that bit of skin, sucking and nipping, teasing her. 

“ _Steve,”_ Natasha gasped, one hand against the back of his head as she subconsciously tugged his tresses. Her entire body burned from that contact alone; twelve months, that was how long she’d _missed_ and _craved_ for his touch.

When he was done marking her - it felt so good to do that again - Steve went back to pressing his lips against hers, pushing her up against the wall easily. Still, he knew it wasn’t enough, because Natasha was already grinding her hips down against him. He pulled back just to smirk. “Eager, aren’t you?”

“I want-” She huffed a little, cheeks already flushed, “-no, I _need_ -”

Natasha didn’t even have to finish her sentence, because Steve was already carrying her into her bedroom - he clearly still remembered where, because in no time, he was already laying her down on her bed and tugging the sweater she was wearing over her head. Natasha went straight for his sweater too, slipping her hands beneath and running them up, feeling his hardened muscles and well defined abs against her fingertips - his sweater lay discarded on the floor in a matter of seconds. He unbuckled his belt and slipped out of his jeans the same time Natasha unclasped her bra and threw it aimlessly across the room.

Steve kissed her just then, pushing her down onto the mattress as one of his hands trail up her stomach and onto one of her breasts - Natasha’s breath hitched at that contact, even more so when Steve started to squeeze, rolling her nipple the way she liked it. He began to kiss down her throat again, all the way until his lips touched the swell of her breast and Natasha let out a whimper when his mouth closed over her perked bud. It was electrifying, his touch and his lips all over her body - they were sending chills down her spine, heat pooling between her legs as Natasha arched her back into him, already desperate for more even though Steve had _only_ just started his foreplay. She missed him, she missed every part of being in a relationship with Steve, but the _sex,_ Natasha was unashamed to admit that sex with Steve was on another level of perks dating him. He was a gentle lover, always eager to please, mindful of her body and what she loved best - from the way her body was reacting to Steve right now, Natasha almost wanted to sing praises to him for showing up at her doorstep and already benchmarking the start of 2020 into an unreachable level of, quite literally, starting the new year with a _bang_.

With all those thoughts floating in her head, Natasha almost didn’t realise that Steve had gotten down on his knees, tugging her body gently to the edge of the bed. He had pulled down the sweatpants and panties she was wearing, pressing his lips against both her inner thighs before making his way slowly towards her center. Before Natasha could even process what he was about to do, Steve had buried his head between her legs, using his hands to spread her legs further apart. He groaned almost at once, inhaling her sweet scent and tasting her eagerly.

“ _Fuck,_ ” The sound that escaped her throat was enough to send a tingle straight into his boxers. Natasha swore she was seeing stars when Steve licked a stripe up her folds, relentlessly sucking on her clit and knowing exactly how to elicit moans from her. When he pushed two fingers into her and started curling them upwards, it wasn’t long before Natasha was bucking her hips into him, almost writhing, desperate for more friction. She came with a cry of his name on her lips, her entire body trembling from her release as she slowly came down from her high. 

Steve was absolutely pleased with himself, to say the least, that even after a year, he still remembered her body well, knew just how much it would take for her to come undone. He climbed back on top of her, waiting until Natasha opened her eyes and met his gaze. She managed a smile, pushing herself up to meet him halfway, tasting herself on his lips. She settled her hand against his chest, sitting upright as Natasha maneuvered his body so that their positions were now switched. She pressed herself against Steve, pushing him down onto the bed before cupping him through his boxers. Steve groaned at once, almost breathless when Natasha started peppering kisses on the cotton.

“ _Natasha,_ _fuck_ ,” He was desperate, knowing how hard he was. And Natasha understood his desire almost instantly, pulling his boxers down before stroking his length a few times. “Hmm, like this?” She teased, knowing that it probably wasn’t enough to truly satisfy him, but Natasha wanted to _hear_ him say those words - it was borderline awful of her to tease him like this, not after the pleasure he’d given her minutes before. But she thought it was sufficient payback for the events of a year ago - Steve should have fought _harder_ for her.

 _“Nat,”_ He gave a throaty moan. “ _I need-”_

“What do you need, Steve?” Natasha asked him innocently, and to tease him further, she planted a long kiss on his member. 

He mumbled, and Natasha smirked. “Louder, babe. I can’t hear you.”

“ _I need your mouth on me_.” Steve finally growled, and he heard her chuckling before doing exactly what he’d requested - the effect on him was instantaneous, Steve couldn’t help the groan that escaped him, and he forced himself to open his eyes to look at her as she took him in her mouth, sucking and licking, her head bobbing up and down. Fuck, he’d almost forgotten how good she was at pleasuring him. “ _Yes, yes-”_

Steve didn’t last long before he came with a tremble, a tidal wave of pleasure spreading across his entire body. “Nat,” He exhaled shakily, beckoning for her. Natasha complied, settling herself on top of him as she leaned down to plant a kiss on his lips - she knew that what was what he wanted. Steve held onto her tightly, kissing her deeper, more wantonly. He rolled her back onto the bed, laughing a little when she whined. Still, Natasha let him - she has always liked the feeling of being bracketed beneath him, the sense of security she feels, the way he looked at her from above, as though she was an ethereal being. It almost made her blush. “You’re exquisite.” He kissed her forehead, a gesture of affection. “Truly remarkable.” He kissed the side of her face. “Absolutely beautiful.” Finally, he captured her lips again.

Natasha smiled against his lips, her hands busy as they roamed across Steve’s every muscle and skin. She allowed him to rest just for a moment, perfectly content with the kisses he was giving her. “Steve?” 

“Hmm?” He pulled back to look at her, his gaze adoring and loving.

“I love you too.” She finally said, biting her lower lip. “I still do. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you.”

Steve’s face broke into this boyish grin that caused Natasha’s heart to flutter. “Does this mean we’re officially getting back together?”

She hit his chest playfully, with a laugh. “We should _never_ have even broke up in the first place. What were we thinking?”

It warmed his heart to hear her say that. “I never found anyone else after you, Nat. You’ve set the bar too high for me.”

Natasha’s cheeks coloured - it was an endearing sight to see, if Steve was being honest. “I can say the same about you. I haven’t... _you know_ , since we broke up.”

Steve blinked, unable to believe his ears. “ _Wait,_ you mean you haven’t...in a _year_?”

Natasha got defensive after that. She huffed, looking away. “I was _busy_ , okay? Remember, I had a goal to achieve and I barely had the time to do anything else, let alone find someone to sleep with.”

“Oh my god.” Realisation hit him, and Steve started to grin. Natasha merely rolled her eyes. There was a sense of pride unfolding in his stomach, of knowing that he was her _best_ lover, that she didn’t bother finding anyone else even for a casual fling - that fact alone was enough to arouse him, and Steve leaned forward to kiss her again. His body was warm against her, and Natasha felt bold enough to reach between his legs, palming and stroking him gently. He grunted into her shoulder, knowing it was just a matter of time before he was ready again. Steve pushed himself away only to reach for the drawer in her bedside table. She merely smiled, raising an eyebrow. “How sure are you I’m still keeping it there?”

“You’re predictable. Plus,” Steve grinned sheepishly as his hand curled around the packet. “I know you best.” 

“Alright, smarty pants.” She pulled him down to seal her mouth over his before plucking the packet out of his hand. Natasha wanted to do the honours, rolling the condom over his cock slowly, stroking him almost torturously as she did it. Natasha hummed appreciatively as Steve planted kisses in the valley between her breasts, all the way down to her stomach. He slid two fingers across her core, just to gauge if she was wet enough, and then he lifted one of her legs over his shoulder ceremoniously. If this was her first time in a long time, Steve was set on making tonight memorable, and he slowly pushed himself into her slick heat, quite eager to satisfy her.

Natasha involuntarily gasped - her vision clouded by an overwhelming feeling of how _perfect_ he fitted into her. Pleasure eased within her easily as he started moving slowly, making sure she was adjusting to his length in her. Natasha could feel her heart drumming loudly in her ears, another moan leaving her. Their eyes met, and in that instant, it was enough for Steve to quicken his pace, setting a rhythm that she met as she lifted her hip every time he thrusted into her. 

“ _Faster_ ,” Natasha was quivering, mouth agape as she whimpered. He obeyed, reaching one hand forward to cup and massage her breast. Using his other free hand, Steve began to rub circles around her clit with his thumb, noticing how her breathing had gotten erratic. “ _don’t stop-”_

As Steve leaned forward to kiss her, readjusting the angle of how he was thrusting into her, Natasha could feel her climax settling in, starting from her stomach before a tingling sensation rippled across her entire being. “ _Steve_ ,” Her entire body shook just as he felt her walls clenched around him - it was a rather delicious feeling which he frantically chased, and several seconds after, he reached his own high with her name falling from his lips.

For a moment, neither said anything. They were both still settling down from their high, cheeks heated and flushed as Steve pulled out, removing the latex around him. He laid down beside her, and Natasha was quick to nestle herself into him, giving him a quick peck on his lips. Natasha was smiling, no other words necessary to express how she felt at the moment. Wordlessly, Steve planted a kiss on her forehead, and held her closer, tighter. _This time_ , he thought to himself, _this time, he wasn’t going to ever let her go._

They quickly fell into slumber, and hours passed before Steve stirred to sunlight streaming into the room. It took him a few seconds to adjust to his surroundings, but when he did, he was content to find Natasha still fast asleep beside him. The sight that greeted him was one he had committed into memory a long time ago, one he didn’t imagine he would be privileged enough to see again; her red tresses splayed across her white pillow as she remained peacefully asleep, her duvet barely covering her heaving chest. Steve smiled subconsciously to himself - he was mesmerised, as he always was when it came to Natasha. It has been that way since he first met her six years ago, and it still was even until today. He believed it was something that was going to last him a lifetime - she was his everything, after all. It was stupid of him to think that he was content with just being her friend, Bucky was right.

Steve pulled her into his embrace, her back against his chest. He could hear a sigh of contentment escaped her when he brought his arms around her stomach. Natasha was beginning to stir, covering her hands over his, though she kept her eyes closed. Steve dropped a kiss on her bare shoulder, tenderly kissing the mark he’d made on her last night. He continued kissing every bit of skin he could find, and Natasha started to chuckle. 

“Steve,” She whined half-heartedly, though she tilted her head into the pillow to allow better access for him. “‘s too _early_.”

“Hmm, really?” Steve whispered into her ear, his voice coming out huskier than intended. It was doing things to her and he knew it, because Natasha squirmed in his embrace, and unintentionally - or was it _intentionally_ \- pushed his hand down and dangerously close to her entrance. 

_Oh boy_ \- Steve grinned against her skin - _they were definitely going to be busy this morning._

* * *

**THE END**


End file.
